Idol Daydream

There aren’t a lot of tv shows that I follow regularly. In fact, I’m really kind of unhip when it comes to tv/pop-culture. OK, so I’m unhip in other ways too, if you must know. Today, I’m coming clean on the fact that I am a fan of American Idol. Yes, it’s true. It may be kind of hokey, but it’s good clean fun. I got hooked in Season 3 (a year ago), so I’m relatively new on the scene. I even watched it from my hospital bed while I was in labor last year!

FOX began showing Season 4 auditions this week. If you don’t follow the show, let me just say that the auditions are a RIOT. Anybody, and I do mean anybody, can "try out" for the show. There are some people who can sing, but the most entertaining ones are the ones who think they can, but can’t. They show people preparing to enter the audition room, proclaiming that they have what it takes to be the next American Idol. Then the second they open their mouths to sing, you wonder what planet they’re from. Are they serious? Most of them seem to be – that’s what makes it so darn funny.

I suppose it’s my love of music that makes me tune in. When I was thinking about college majors, I had it narrowed down to music and math. I didn’t think I was good enough on my clarinet to be a performer, and I didn’t want to teach, so I chose to go the math route. (Because there’s so much you can do with a math major, right?) I did it all in high school though: wind ensemble, marching band, orchestra, and chorus. I was the epitome of music geek.

Mostly, I enjoy singing these days. It’s been a while since I’ve dusted off the clarinet. Most of my singing takes place in the car now. Years ago, my buddies and I would do karaoke many a Friday night (I know, you’re laughing at me). We didn’t go to drink much; mainly we went to sing. I gravitated toward the music of Karen Carpenter, Bonnie Raitt, and Pat Benatar, to name a few. Yeah, quite an eclectic rocker. I even sang in a garage-style band with a bunch of co-workers, years back.

So yes, I can carry a tune. But, I’m too old for American Idol. Even though they’ve raised the age limit to 28, I still don’t make the cut. But if I could… I wonder what my audition would be like. What would Randy, Paula, and Simon have to say to me? Hmmm….

(Imagine me on stage belting it out before the judges – one of my usual numbers, or perhaps a Tracy Chapman or Alison Krauss tune…. I finish and wait to hear from the judges)

Randy: (Nodding in agreement) Nice. You’ve got it going, girl. I like your style. A little stiff, but you can sing.

Paula: I like your voice, sweetie. You’d need to work on stage presence, but you’ve got a voice.

me: Thanks, Randy. Thanks, Paula. Yeah, I like to sing. I guess I’m more a singer than a performer.

Simon: You do realize that we’re looking for a star, right? We’re looking for the next American Idol. That means what you do on-stage matters. Yes, you can carry a tune, but do you have what it takes to be a star?

me: Yes, I know what you’re looking for. I watch the show. I’ll need some coaching on stage presence, but…

Simon: But what?! And look at how you’re dressed. You look like a frumpy old lady.

me: Well, I’m 39, but I don’t consider myself frumpy. And once your wardrobe people get hold of me, I’m sure they’ll help me spruce up my look.

Simon: You know, you need to lose some weight. You’re fat.

me: Well, yes, I do need to drop some pounds. I’m sure the right clothes, and a pair of Spanx, will help to highlight my "better" features, like my face and hair.

Simon: Your face? You have oily skin. Have you tried exfoliating? You know, I JUST don’t know that you have what it takes.

Paula: Oh, come on. The girl can sing.

Simon: We’re looking for a star. I’m sure she’s a charming person, but she has no stage presence, her thighs are too big, and well, her complexion…

me: So, I’ll take that as a no. Simon, may you rot…

(cut to commercial break)

Oh well, I wonder what Donald Trump would say if he met me. My other tv addiction, The Apprentice, starts tonight. Ahh, but that’s another daydream…

Ed. note:  (1/21)  I have learned that one of my karaoke buddies, whom I haven't seen in years, passed away this week. May you rest in peace, CP.

Comments

[Jody HalstedJ]

I just can't get into reality shows. Too much editing & preening for the cameras. Lately I'm addicted to the Travel Channel, Passport to Europe. Now there's a dream job...

[Catt]

HAHAHAHA - great post!

Ssshhhh...don't tell anyone, but I'm addicted to The Apprentice, too. Only because it preceeds my beloved ER!

[Marie]

Hi Jody,
Yeah, I haven't gotten hooked on Survivor, but Idol & Apprentice have lured me in! Travel Channel is fun... I do like to watch Rachael Ray on Food Network too, when I catch her. Oh, and Pimp My Ride on Mtv.

Catt,
Your secret is OUT! :-) I was really into ER once upon a time but lost interest, plus I have a hard time propping my eyelids open much past 9:30 these days.